A measure of successful parenting?

Sara over at Moments of Exhilaration posted a thoughtful and well written response to the recent TIME’s cover article on attachment parenting. I liked it so much, I reposted it here. And I’ve been following the comments left by other readers to find out what others are saying in response to such a provocative subject. One comment, while hitting on another topic, left a thorn in my side.

Here is what the commenter wrote:

“I admire your courage to add onto this topic, the topic of breastfeeding is an interesting one; I am not a mother; I was not breastfed. My mother was alone (father travelling) and walked home the day of her c-section (when she brought me into this world). I think what bothered most people about this is Time’s need to over – sensationalize the topic. I think what bothered most people was this woman’s need for attention and no consideration of her child. Friends of mine (experienced breast feeders) have shared with me that there is a high (hormonal rush) that is fed to the body when breast feeding…the other perk is calorie burning…the pose of this mother (body language) was not so nurturing…It bothers me because mothers think that having children justifies their existence therefore shadowing the child’s own existence….I wonder how this child will end up and will he look back and say “wtf mom, why did you need to do that?”

I don’t usually respond to others’ comments but this got me irked. So I started writing a response and quickly realized that it deserved a post of its own. So here is my response:

I am a mother who is currently breastfeeding her 17 month old and plan on doing so until he is 2 years old or until he and I are both ready to wean. I personally do not experience a hormonal rush with breastfeeding (not suggesting that it is not happening but simply that I experience no noticeable lift/difference in my general state). In fact, breastfeeding has been a difficult journey and there have been many occasions that I thought about quitting but persevered because I know and firmly believe in the tremendous health benefits associated with nursing.

Because I did not read the article, I can’t assume to know the reasons that the featured mother chose to breastfeed her son into his third year of life. But I can say with certainty (as someone who holds a degree in mass communications), and as you point out, that this article sensationalizes the topic with the coverage clearly skewed in one direction. With that in mind, I am inclined to question the integrity and honesty with which the featured mother was portrayed. Said plainly, the article had an agenda (sensationalize to self-promote) and those featured were characterized to fit that agenda. I would be interested in hearing her take on how she was portrayed in the TIME’s article – and I am willing to bet that she feels misrepresented.

I also would like to speak to the statement “It bothers me because mothers think that having children justifies their existence therefore shadowing the child’s own existence….” If I may, I believe you are referring in part to “helicopter parenting” which as Sara points out is sadly the predominate form of parenting in our society today. In this respect, I completely agree with your sentiment – that mothers (and fathers) shadow her child’s existence to ill effect. I would agree also that at times, it does in fact stem from the sense of self-validation that comes from simply being a mother (parent).

I would venture however, to pose another perspective on the subject – one that often gets ignored. Our society is one that puts a great deal of emphasis on achievements and titles. A “mother” is in itself a title, a job. And with that title comes a host of expectations, both explicit and implicit, both socially and self-imposed. And like other titles (or jobs), there are clear benchmarks depicting success. Our society applauds when your child is well-mannered, socially apt and well liked, academically successful and athletic. And we frown when he/she is not. We, as a society, often measure one’s parenting abilities against a child’s successes and “failures.”

As a new mom, I often think about my son’s future. I picture him learning his ABC’s and developing a love of reading and writing. Then I think Harvard. I see him learning to handle a basketball and playing on the varsity team. Then I think athletic scholarship. I see him learning the scales and falling in love with Beethoven’s Piano Sonata #14. Then I picture myself moved to tears with thousands of others as he plays in a solo concert as a famous pianist…

Whether I want to or not, I’m affected by the way our society measures my success as a parent. It is in fact something that I have internalized, even as I struggle against its unfair and inaccurate measurements. I know in my heart that the quality of my personal relationship with my son, the loving trust and respect that we share, the laugher and shared moments both good and bad, are the real determiners of my success as a parent. But I am not immune to the siren call of the more glamously recognized achievements that publicly herald parental success.

I believe that I am not alone in my struggles against the pressure to “perform” successfully as a parent – that others too have internalized a publicly recognized picture of a successful parent, one that perhaps goes against their own better judgment.

So perhaps what you are witnessing is not so much a self-validation for simply being a mother (parent), so much as a misguided attempt to successfully rear her child.

Just a thought.